Fairy Tales: The Short Editions
by Raine Is Crazy
Summary: Ever heard the story of Cinderella? Snow White? Rapunzel? I'm sure you heard the long, fancified versions. Allow me to tell you the shortened, un-fancified, cold-hard-truth editions of these beloved stories, if you will permit me to be so bold. R&R.
1. Cinderella

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything except my own twisted way of interpreting this crazy story.**

**A/N: Please review, and don't judge my insanity too harshly?**

**Title: Cinderella: The Long and Short of It – Minus the Long of It**

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Once upon a time, there was a girl named Ella.

Ella's mom died, so her dad remarried to a bi... ah, a not-very-nice woman with two not-very-nice daughters.

Then the dad dies.

The stepmother and two stepsisters – let's name them Simone, Jacqueline and Nina – call Ella _Cinderella_ because she now sleeps in the fireplace, for some reason.

Simone, Jacqueline and Nina work _Cinder_ella very hard because she has no backbone and can't or won't stand up to them.

One day the whole kingdom is invited to a ball to find the crown prince a wife, but Simone, Jacqueline and Nina make Cinderella stay behind.

This is probably because they don't want her stunning beauty outshining their outstanding ugliness at the ball, seeing as they want to marry the prince themselves.

Naturally, after the three steps leave, Cinderella's fairy godmother, who has never been seen before, shows up.

The fairy godmother – let's name her Martha – waves her magic wand and POOF, a gorgeous dress appears on Cinderella.

Another wave of the magic wand and POOF, a pumpkin turns into a round coach.

POOF, some rats turn into footmen.

POOF, some mice turn into horses.

POOF, glass slippers which are probably the most uncomfortable, blister-inducing shoes you'll ever find _any_where appear on Cinderella's feet.

Martha tells Cinderella that she has to be home by midnight, because at midnight, all her beautiful things will disappear for a reason that is as of yet unexplained.

Cinderella goes to the ball in her pumpkin-turned-coach.

Cinderella outshines all the ladies from the kingdom there, and wins the prince's heart by dancing with him a few times.

She forgets the midnight curfew, however, and has to run back home because her coach, footmen and dress disappear.

As she leaves in a hurry, she accidentally runs out of one of her glass slippers, which incidentally does NOT disappear along with the rest of her stuff.

Cinderella gets home before Simone, Jacqueline and Nina do, and because they are incredibly stupid, they didn't recognize her at the ball, so they don't know she was there.

The next day, the prince, having found the shoe, makes every lady in the kingdom try it on; because of course no one could POSSIBLY have the same shoe size as Cinderella.

The kingdom must be very, very small, because in one morning, everybody tries it on.

Nobody fits it.

The last house he looks in happens to be Cinderella's house.

Simone, Jacqueline and Nina all try on the uncomfortable glass slippers, but none of them fit into it.

Finally, the prince lets a lowly serving girl (whom he never would have noticed were this story real) try it on.

Of course, it fits her perfectly.

Of course, she happens to be Cinderella.

The prince proposes on the spot.

They get married and live happily ever after.

Simone, Jacqueline and Nina are completely forgotten.

THE END


	2. Snow White

**Disclaimer: Already said it, ain't gonna again, thanks.**

**A/N: Note – this is the movie version, so it has been shortened from the original. I'm sick and I'm lazy and I can't be bothered. Once again, I must ask you please to review, and not to judge my insanity too harshly.**

**Title: Snow White: The Long and Short of It – Minus the Long of It**

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Once upon a time, there was a girl named Snow White.

Her mother named her Snow White because her skin was as pale as the snow.

I don't know why she wasn't named Ebony Black for her hair or Blood Red for her lips.

But her name was Snow White.

And that is that.

Snow White's mother died, so her father remarried to a bi... ah, a not-very-nice woman who happened to literally be an evil witch.

Then her dad died.

This seems to be a trend in fairy tales.

The witch – let's call her Georgina for fun – didn't like Snow White at all.

This was because she wanted to be the fairest in all the land, but Snow White was far fairer.

In more ways than one, too.

One day Georgina decided to get rid of Snow White once and for all.

Georgina sent her guardsman to kill Snow White while she was out picking daisies.

Fortunately, the guardsman took pity on Snow White.

I personally think this was because one, she was beautiful, and two, she screamed.

Instead of killing her straight out, he sent her into the deep dark forest that was filled with wild animals and many dangerous hazards.

Then he went back to the castle and told Georgina that Snow White was dead.

Georgina went to consult her talking mirror.

Personally I find talking mirrors very creepy, but Georgina liked her talking mirror.

She asked it who was the prettiest in all the land.

It told her Snow White was, being an honest talking mirror.

She went into a rage because she had thought Snow White was dead.

Meanwhile, Snow White had a terrible time in the deep dark forest.

Then she found a perfect little house in the middle of a beautiful clearing in the middle of the deep dark forest.

She went inside without being invited.

She sampled something off of every plate on the table, all seven of them.

And being very bold, she went to sleep in one of the seven smallish beds upstairs.

Later that afternoon, seven dwarves came back home to the perfect little house in the clearing in the deep dark forest.

They had been mining for jewels all day, and wanted some supper and some good bed rest.

Unfortunately, all their suppers had been sampled, and one of their beds was being slept in.

After some eyelash batting on Snow White's part, they agreed to take her in.

The eight of them live peacefully until one day, Georgina disguises herself as an old peddler woman with a basketful of apples that are poisoned on one side, and fine on the other.

Georgina somehow knows exactly where to find Snow White in her perfect little house in the clearing in the middle of the deep dark forest.

This is probably courtesy of her creepy talking mirror.

Snow White, being a bit of a ditz and all, feels sorry for the old peddler woman that comes knocking on her door in the middle of the deep dark forest.

If it were me, I'd have wondered why there _was_ an old peddler woman in the middle of the deep dark forest with no other houses around.

But this is not my story.

Georgina, in her obviously effective disguise, asks Snow White if she wants to buy an apple.

Snow White is unsure about this.

After all, how many old peddler women show up trying to sell you apples in the middle of a deep dark forest?

Georgina takes a bite out of the non-poisoned side of one of the apples to prove that the apples are fine.

Snow White, convinced, takes the apple and takes a bite out of it.

Myself, I would have taken a different apple, not wanting to share saliva with an old peddler woman.

But this is not my story.

Snow White, having bitten the other side of the apple, which is poisoned, falls to the ground, dead.

Georgina probably laughs maniacally.

Georgina goes back to the castle, satisfied that she has killed Snow White.

She consults her talking mirror again and asks it who is the prettiest in all the land.

It replies that she is, seeing as Snow White is now dead.

When the seven dwarves, who get altogether not enough screen time, come home, they find Snow White lying dead on the floor.

They freak out, seeing as she is dead and is lying dead on the floor.

They probably only like her because she cooks and cleans.

Anyway, they put her in a coffin made of glass so they can look at her dead body all the time.

What creepy dwarves.

One day a prince comes riding along and happens upon the perfect little house in the clearing in the middle of the deep dark forest.

How very coincidental.

He spies the glass coffin and the beautiful dead body of a girl inside, and asks the dwarves if he can take it home with him to keep.

Why he wants to take home a dead body in a glass coffin, I will never know.

While they are preparing to lift the coffin, presumably to put on the back of the prince's _horse_, the prince opens the lid.

He leans down and kisses the dead body full on the lips, for an unknown, unexplained reason that had better be good.

Apparently he was never educated about decay and disease.

For absolutely no reason at _all_, Snow White is revived from the prince's kiss and sits up.

They must have banged heads, as he was leaning over her to kiss her, but that isn't in the fancified story, therefore of course it _couldn't_ have happened.

The prince lifts her out of her glass coffin that the creepy dwarves put her in, puts her on the back of his poor horse instead of the coffin, and they ride off into the sunset.

Presumably they marry and live happily ever after.

Georgina is completely forgotten and presumably never heard from again, although I highly doubt it.

THE END


	3. Sleeping Beauty

**Disclaimer: This is the last time I shall have a disclaimer. You know I own nothing but my ability to see past fancy words and uncover the truth.**

**A/N: Please review. Please don't judge my insanity too harshly. Please enjoy. Please.**

**Title: Sleeping Beauty: The Long and Short of It – Minus the Long of It**

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Once upon a time there was a king and queen.

They wanted a baby very badly.

Then the queen gave birth to a baby girl.

At her birthday party, all the good fairies were invited, but they forgot to invite the evil one.

I'm beginning to wonder if that was on purpose.

The good fairies give the girl – Aurora – silly gifts like a good singing voice and beauty.

The evil one shows up uninvited – did they really think they could keep her away? – and curses Aurora.

On her sixteenth birthday, she'll prick her finger on a spinning wheel and die.

Honestly.

They really should educate all fairies, because the stupid ones turn out evil.

You can't DIE from pricking your FINGER.

sigh

Anyway, one of the good fairies that hasn't bestowed a gift yet says that instead of dying, Aurora will prick her finger and sleep for a hundred years.

Oh.

My.

God.

Someone tell these fairies to go to school.

On Aurora's sixteenth birthday, she finds a spinning wheel and pricks her finger on the needle.

She falls asleep.

A hundred years later, a prince is riding through the area when he finds an abandoned castle in the middle of a very thick forest.

He cuts his way through with his sword and goes inside the castle.

He somehow knows to go to the highest room in the tallest tower, because princesses always hang out there.

He finds Aurora.

He must have heard about Snow White, because he kisses a seemingly dead body full on the lips.

She is revived and wakes up.

Again, I personally think they banged heads.

They marry and live happily ever after.

Why Aurora didn't show a single sign of ageing over _a hundred years_, we shall never know.

The evil fairy is completely forgotten, as is the trend with "the bad guy" in most fairy tales.

THE END


	4. Rumplestiltskin

**A/N: I told you I would have no more disclaimers, because I know I own nothing but my ability to ... yeah. Please review and again, don't misjudge my insanity.**

**Title: Rumplestiltskin: The Long and Short of It – Minus the Long of It**

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Once upon a time there was a poor miller.

He had a daughter – let's name her Meredith.

He bragged about her talents and that got him in trouble.

Once he bragged that she could spin straw into gold.

The king overheard (don't ask me how) and made the miller bring Meredith to the palace to spin a roomful of straw into gold.

The king told Meredith that if she didn't have it all done by dawn, she'd have her head chopped off.

Nice guy.

As soon as he leaves, she starts crying.

She can't spin straw into gold, that's stupid.

POOF, a little dwarf pops up out of nowhere.

He spins all the straw into gold for her in exchange for a nice ring she has.

Poor miller's daughter ... nice ring ... how does this work out ... ?

Girl should be grateful – the dwarf does his work cheaply.

At dawn the king sees all the gold there and all the straw gone.

He is pleased but is greedy, so he puts her into a bigger room filled with straw and tells her if it's not all spun into gold by dawn, she gets her head chopped off.

As soon as he leaves, she starts crying.

She still can't spin straw into gold, that's still stupid.

POOF, the same little dwarf pops up out of nowhere and offers to spin all the straw into gold in exchange for a nice necklace she has.

Poor miller's daughter ... nice ring, nice necklace ... I'm beginning to wonder if she's a thief.

At dawn the king sees all the gold and the absence of straw and is pleased but still greedy.

He puts her into a huge room filled with straw and tells her if it's not all spun into gold by dawn, she gets her head chopped off.

As soon as he leaves, she starts crying again.

She _still_ can't spin straw into gold.

Why she didn't pay attention when the dwarf was doing it and learn how, I'll never know.

POOF, up pops the dwarf again.

This time she has nothing left to give him, but he spins it all into gold in exchange for her word that she'll give him her firstborn baby.

She agrees because she thinks he'll forget about it.

At dawn the king sees all the gold and the absence of straw and proposes to her.

Swept off her feet by his charm and romanticness, she agrees to marry him and becomes queen.

About nine months later, she has her firstborn baby.

POOF, the dwarf, forgotten by her up until now, shows up and asks for the baby.

She doesn't want to give it to him – after all, who would?

The dwarf says that if she can guess his name in three days, she can keep the baby and he won't ever bother her again.

This dwarf is really settling for low prices here.

She agrees.

Over the next two days she reads out looooooooooooooooong lists of all the names she can think of.

Each one is wrong.

On the morning of the third day, a guard comes up to the queen.

He tells her that last night, he was walking down a road and saw a short guy dancing around a campfire and singing, "Rumplestiltskin is my name."

How utterly, truly convenient.

When the dwarf shows up to hear the names the queen has today, she asks him if his name is George.

He says no.

She asks him if it's Harold.

He says no.

I don't know why she asked those names, knowing full well they weren't correct.

Perhaps she was just being awfully, horribly cruel.

Perhaps she was just stupid.

Anyway, she asks him if his name is Rumplestiltskin, and that being correct, he says yes and goes into a fit of rage.

He stomps through the floor and dies.

The queen is never bothered by him again.

I'm sure that he was forgotten after a while.

THE END


	5. Rapunzel

**A/N: Still no disclaimer. See? Told you I wouldn't have any from now on. Please review. Please don't misjudge my insanity. You know the drill by now. Enjoy.**

**2nd A/N: Oh, and just for the record, yes, these mostly ARE based on the Disney versions of these stories, as I have mentioned previously. I am aware of the original versions, but the Disney ones are stupider, and therefore funnier to do takeoffs on. Another note: the expression "cold-hard-truth" is just that – an _expression_. Do not let yourselves be fooled. I apologize to anyone who thinks they are being treated as though they are children. It would seem that some of us need to be treated so. Isn't that funny? Oh, and don't forget to log in when you review. Usually it doesn't bother me, but recent events must be taken into account. Anonymous flames are so _cowardly_. Anyway, enjoy Rapunzel!**

**Title: Rapunzel: The Long and Short of It – Minus the Long of It**

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Once upon a time there was a married couple.

I'm going to name them Harold and Francis.

They wanted a baby very much.

Then Francis got pregnant.

Then they became very, very poor and Harold had to go steal food from the neighbour's garden.

He stole some turnips because they were right beside the fence.

Francis ate the turnips and became addicted to them, refusing to eat anything else.

This may have been because the neighbour was a witch.

One day, the witch – let's name her Zelda for fun – caught Harold stealing her turnips.

She was not pleased that he was stealing from her.

When he explained that his wife would starve without the turnips, Zelda told him he was allowed to take as many turnips as he wanted, but when the baby was born, he'd have to give it to her.

That seems to be another trend in fairy tales.

Harold couldn't let his wife die, so he agreed, hoping she would forget.

When the baby was born, Zelda took it and named the girl Rapunzel, because the turnips Francis was addicted to were called Rapunzel turnips.

Zelda locked Rapunzel away in a high tower with no stairs.

Rapunzel grew very, very, very long hair.

Zelda used Rapunzel's hair to climb up the outside wall of the tower to bring the girl food.

One day a prince came along and saw Zelda doing so.

When Zelda left, he called the same thing he'd heard Zelda calling: "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!"

And Rapunzel did, and he climbed up her hair into the tower.

They fell in love.

He brought her lots of rope.

She made a rope ladder for herself to climb out of the tower with.

One day Zelda discovered that Rapunzel was seeing the prince.

Zelda cut off all Rapunzel's hair, used it as a lure to bring the prince up to the tower, and then blinded him.

He wandered for a long time in the desert.

One day he heard singing.

It was Rapunzel.

She found him and cried.

Her tears fell on his eye sockets.

For no reason at all, he could see again.

They married and lived happily ever after.

Zelda was completely forgotten.

THE END


	6. The Frog Prince

**Disclaimer: I don't own the stories, only my personal way of interpreting them.**

**A/N: I love you all. I've been so caught up in exams that I've had NO time to write at all ... arrggh. Well, here's another dosage of hilarity for you ... hope it makes you laugh ... enjoy!**

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**THE FROG PRINCE**

Once upon a time, there lived a king and queen – let's call them George and Geraldina – and they had a daughter named Siobhan.

Siobhan had a nice ring that George had given her when she was small.

One day she was sitting by a pond and somehow the ring, which had never fallen off before, slipped off her finger and fell into the pond.

Siobhan was upset because she thought George would be angry if she lost the ring.

Suddenly a talking frog popped up out of nowhere and asked her why she was upset.

Unfazed by the abnormality of the frog, Siobhan told it that she had lost her ring.

It said that it would retrieve the ring for her in exchange for her to take it home with her.

Siobhan accepted, thinking that she could just leave it there after it brought her ring.

Siobhan was not a very nice girl.

The frog dove down and retrieved the ring, as it had promised.

Siobhan skipped back to the palace in happiness, very pleased that she had got her ring back.

Later that evening, there was a knock at the doors.

King George told Siobhan to answer it because there weren't any servants around at the time.

Siobhan opened the doors, and the frog hopped in.

She was very disgusted.

It asked her to let it eat from her plate and when George gave her a stern look, her having told him about the earlier incident, she grudgingly allowed the frog to eat from her plate.

Later that night, the frog asked to sleep in her bed.

Siobhan was appalled – she wouldn't even have let a prince sleep in her bed if he'd asked like that!

But George reminded her that she had promised to take the frog home.

So, grudgingly, Siobhan placed the demanding frog on the other side of her bed.

It asked for a kiss goodnight.

Siobhan turned very purple with rage, and even George thought this might be a tad inappropriate (after all, they'd just met today), but the frog insisted.

Wincing all the while, Siobhan squinched her eyes shut and pecked it on the top of its head.

With a blinding flash, the frog disappeared and turned into a very handsome prince.

It told the stunned Siobhan and King George that a witch had transformed it into a frog until a kiss from a princess could change it back.

Siobhan was now very pleased to have the former frog in her bed.

George left the room.

And, as always, the evil witch who had done the transforming was completely forgotten.

**THE END**


	7. The Princess and the Pea

**Disclaimer: Again, I don't own the stories, only the names given to the characters and the way that I interpret the storylines. Ahem.**

**A/N: Lovely, lovely ... mmyes, mmyes. Quite. Enjoy The Princess and the Pea. And then join me for tea. RHYME!! YAY!! :D:D:D:D sigh ... I'm so strange ...**

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**THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA**

Once upon a time there lived a king and queen – let's call them Roderick and Verna, just for fun – and they had a son named Troy.

Troy was very interested in being a good king, but not very interested in getting married.

Queen Verna brought all the eligible princesses in the land to see Troy, but he was not interested in any of them, saying that they were not "true princesses".

One dark and stormy night a new princess came to the door of the palace and asked for a place to stay for the night.

Troy was very taken with her; I suppose this must have been because of her beauty and the wetness of her clothing (ahem).

Queen Verna didn't like the idea of a wet, lonesome princess marrying her son, so she told Troy that the new princess – I think her name was Gillian – was not a true princess either.

Troy did not believe her, but Verna insisted that she be put to the princess test.

That night, Verna put a single pea underneath twenty mattresses, and had Gillian sleep on top of them.

The plan was that if Gillian was so delicate that she could feel the pea underneath all the mattresses, she must be a true princess.

That night Gillian slept on all the mattresses.

The next morning Verna asked Gillian if she had slept all right.

Gillian said that she hadn't gotten a wink of sleep all night long because of a huge bump in the middle of her bed that kept her up.

Verna was forced to admit that Gillian was a true princess.

Troy married Gillian and they lived happily ever after.

And whoever put the boulder inbetween the nineteenth and twentieth mattresses was completely forgotten.

**THE END**


	8. Hansel and Gretel

**Disclaimer: Don't own the story, just the names and the way of telling it.**

**A/N: Read and PLEASE review, I love feedback. :D Oh, and just a note – the witch had a boyfriend made of gingerbread named Domocarliebine, but Hansel ate him. Long story.**

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**HANSEL AND GRETEL**

Once upon a time there lived a poor lumberjack named Jack Lumber.

His wife convinced him that they were so poor they couldn't afford to feed their two children Hansel Lumber and Gretel Lumber.

Jack reluctantly agreed, but instead of taking them to a social services program or an orphanage or some such thing, he led them deep into the forest and left them there under the pretence that he was going to chop wood.

Hansel had trailed some crumbs behind them to remember which way the house was but birds ate the crumbs.

He was originally going to use pebbles, but didn't.

Stupid boy.

Hansel and Gretel began to wander around in the deep dark forest, completely lost, until they stumbled upon a nice little clearing, in the middle of which was a lovely little cottage.

This vividly reminds me of Snow White's story.

The only difference was that this cottage was made entirely of gingerbread and candy – a child's paradise.

Hansel and Gretel rushed over and immediately began to eat the house.

The door opened and a witch came out, looking horribly ugly and scary.

She told Hansel and Gretel to come inside, where she had lots more candy, and they complied eagerly, being very hungry.

I blame their irresponsible father for their inherent lack of knowledge.

Once they were inside the candy house, the witch (whose name was Helga A. Friega) locked Hansel up in a cage and made Gretel cook and clean.

Helga Friega fed Hansel all of the very rich foods that she made Gretel make, and soon Hansel was getting fat.

One day Helga Friega decides that Hansel is fat enough to EAT!!

She pokes her head into the oven to see if it's hot enough, and Gretel, in the spur of the moment, has the insight to push Helga Friega all the way into the oven, and slams the door shut behind her.

This story being rated G, you may come to your own conclusions as to what happened to the witch named Helga Friega.

Gretel unlocks Hansel from his cage, and they discover a treasure chest full of gold and expensive jewels, quite conveniently.

They leave the house (with a last bite of the candy, I'm sure) and find their way home back through the deep dark forest without a spot of trouble.

When Jack Lumber the lumberjack, their irresponsible father, sees them return, he is overjoyed and tells them that he divorced their mother (who was not very nice) and they show him the treasure they took from Helga Friega.

They lived happily ever after, now being quite rich and evil-mother-free.

Helga Friega was completely forgotten, although I get the feeling she didn't bother them.

**THE END**


	9. The Little Mermaid

**A/N: WELL! I haven't written in what seems like DECADES, have I? I was just reading over my old work and decided to add some more stories to this particular little fic. I really am rather fond of it. Ciao!**

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**THE LITTLE MERMAID**

Once upon a time there lived the king of the Mer-People.

He had seven daughters, the youngest of which was named Ariel.

She was a troublemaker because she was obsessed with the strange beings of the world beyond the sea—_humans_.

One day a ship got caught in a storm and sank.

Ariel, having been watching the ship because it had humans on it, saw a certain human man get thrown overboard and immediately fell in love with him because he was incredibly handsome.

She didn't know this, but he happened to be a prince.

Ariel took him to shore and sang a bit until he woke up, then disappeared back into the ocean where she moped for a while.

Then she went to the sea-witch Ursula, who turned Ariel into a human for three days in exchange for her voice.

Ariel was rescued from the beach by the prince, who was intrigued by her beauty and the fact that she was mute.

They became quite good friends during the next three days, but then Ursula got jealous and decided to turn herself into a human, and bewitched the prince—Eric—into loving her, using a spell and Ariel's voice.

On the ship that Ursula and Eric were going to get married on, there was a big commotion set up by sea animals that were friends of Ariel's.

She magically got her voice back when Ursula's shell smashed.

Ariel turned back into a mermaid, and Ursula grew herself to about the size of a small mountain.

Eric took the sea king's trident and tried to kill Ursula, but then she made a whirlpool and the ship's prow skewered her.

Everybody was happy, and Ariel married Eric.

**THE END**

(If that wasn't the most confusing thing you've EVER read, please let me know.)


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